Mrs. Maverick

For a while now

It was wonderful, this summer was. Present days, hours, minutes that I never needed to develop excuses for fully enjoying. Nothing spectacular happened and, for once, I was more than alright with that. I wanted more of the regular days of wake, walk, park, splash in the water, read two pages of a book and toss a cold dinner together. I think I might forever think of Summer '14 as Babies' Best Summer, complete with extra long naps and a wholly unconflicted mom. Emotionally and spiritually I was in a sweet spot, too. I felt strong from our long, hot walks and occasional evening runs, regular time in the Word and even-keel hormones as I happily weaned little Charlie. Good, good and more goodness. His goodness. And I recognized it and fretted not about our modest material situation of one car and no summer getaways. My Target sundress fit like a glove and that, to me, was luxury indeed. 

Summer slyly slinked into autumn and I hardly recognized that dreaded golden light that brings with it early sunsets and warns us of impending darker days. What is it about fall that makes one feel like she needs to gear up and get up, and make something of herself? The start of school and new annual commitments surely help perpetuate this feeling and all of the sudden what worked throughout the summer just doesn't anymore. "We're soaking in the fall, just taking it easy, going off the grid, enjoying these crisp, languid days..." said no one ever. 

Enter discontent. It took too long to get the kids bundled up for a romp in the leaves. I felt like I was saying no to every play date invitation because, well, no car. We hadn't done anything truly fun and frivilous in a while. Our money was alotted to food, shelter and transport to work with no margin for special dinners or a family day trip. I think the term for it is "budget fatigue"? Boy, did it hit hard. I had felt that God was so near and teaching me so much as we walked side by side in the summertime and then my humanity took a sharp left and I bolted down Self Street, sprinting toward these unatainable goals: a car! a home of our own! an overnight trip for me and Shawn! ASAP and yesterday!

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Goodness gracious. How quickly I forgot that I do not make these things happen. We are given what we are given by Him. Each little thing. Every big thing. In His time. Which is outside of time.

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Needless to say, these realities build a brick wall in the middle of Self Street and I ran smack into it.  The welt on my forehead is still going down slowly, steadily and, as it does, I recite the above truths to myself, letting them really sink in. I hope that next time I am tempted to veer off the golden straight and narrow, that I remember this fall. The time when I acted like Christ wasn't enough, the time when I was so inside myself that I nearly missed His constant blessing and provision in my life, not the least of which are playing on the carpet right before me. Charles and Eleanor have been very well behaved for the last twenty or so minutes while I capture these thoughts. It's something I've been meaning to do for a while now. 

For we have brought nothing into the world, so we cannot take anything out of it either. If we have food and covering, with these we shall be content. 1 Timothy 6:7-8

 

 

When the waves recede, I am here

I refer to surfing far too often for someone who has absolutely zero knowledge of the sport. Putting a baby down to nap is like "riding the wave", I tell my husband. Hop on just a bit early and the wave will sweep gently under you, slipping away and insisting that sleep is for serious people, not happy, chatty babies. If you are too late though, the wave will pummel you to the sand, keeping you under and dragging you onto shore. Everyone will sleep eventually but not before some serious roughing up. 

Ideally you want to catch the wave just before it crests. Soaring just ahead of your child's exhaustion, you will spread your arms and feel the ocean spray.  Your heart lifts as you witness the signs: dozy eyes, contented sucking sounds, slowing movements and then you duck under the wave, out of the room, just in time for sleep to wash over that litte body. Shut the door, exhale and look around in amazement. I made it! We made it! We have arrived on the sweet, sweet sands of Dreamland. Exhilaration mixed with relief. The feeling is indescribable. Unless you use a surfing analogy, of course.

Tsunamis (in sticking with my theme here) are an every other day occurrence for us. Eleanor, Charles and I have a splendid day. I am energized and centered in the Truth and totally content with little sleep and even less quiet time and only having the inclination to drink smoothies or meals that take less than three minutes to assemble and consume. The very next day, however, the wave comes crashing down. And it's really just me being too tired to do anything but follow Eleanor around asking her which story she'd like to read now.  and next.  and next.  and next. And I nurse Charles even though he does not want to or need to be nursed because when all else fails filling that not-so-newborn belly has to be the answer to every question ever. 

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Things have been mostly wonderful but occasionally gnarly. The most wonderful things, you ask? Well...having an Indian grandmother go out of her way to say that she hoped that I was living with my parents so that they could help me with my little ones. I answered that question in the affirmative and was proud to do it. I am so thankful for my parents and their hospitality. We are living on a gorgeous lake and the summer weather is nigh. God is hedging me in all around with provision, protection and present-mindedness. Which has also made it very challenging for me to write. I file away my little thoughts in this corner and that of my mind, but then choose to forget them at the end of each day in order to stay in the moment. Writing is an excellent practice but certainly inhibits my ability to focus on the present. When writing, one is either rehashing the past or imagining the future and I am just not feeling called to do either. 

Tidal pool

 

 

 

Workaday

When I was a teacher, cold, dark 5am seemed like such a noble time. Leaving my warm bed, putting on semi casual business attire, driving the bleak streets of the inner city in the navy blue dawn--all of these things were justified by my work, my cause. It was good work and very hard. Perhaps the hardest job I will ever have in my life. Aside from the teaching bit (lesson plans, grading), there were the children of Bridgeport. Children who had a tremendously uphill climb to a brighter academic future. On many days I felt like I was playing the parts of social worker and special education teacher in addition to fifth grade math teacher. It was an occasionally brutal but always very satisfying job. I worked alongside some of the most dedicated people I have ever met and the big picture was crystal clear: Education = Freedom. 

Sweeping reform. Grand goals. Obtained through measurable, attainable actions steps. Those are buzz words from my former life. Sweeping reform and actions steps are not as easy to define when one is at home surrounded by alphabet blocks and blankies. "Eleanor--what is our goal for today? How are we going to get there? Charles--what are your thoughts? How does this day fit into the overall picture?" (Cue quizzical silence from both parties). "No one?" So the collegial synergy is a little lacking...

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I miss that shoulder-to-the-wheel feeling of going to work every day. Amongst my collegeagues the obvious yet unstated sentiment was that while teaching can drain the life out of a person, it is good, necessary work that the world admires. As I learn to stay home with my children, I am learning how to translate that sense of importance and necessity to my role as a mom/wife/homemaker. Right now, for me, for my kids, this is the most essential job. Keeping up with the laundry, intentionally putting aside the laundry in order to read with Eleanor, baking bread, Craigslisting unneeded housestuffs, meal planning, rocking Charles, Googling "turnip recipes" in an effort to completely use our garden share... These small things, seen by no one but us three and the dog during the day, are good and necessary and worthy of my time because it is what I am presently called to do. 

the task

Now before I get caught rambling (too late, you say?), I want to point out the act of surrendering as the key ingredient to my embracing this time at home with little people. God has this way of calling us into roles at one point or another in our lives that don't seem to fit. "This isn't me, " we think, "I would be much more comfortable/equipped/satisfied if I did this other thing." His response is always to ask us to surrender and enter fully in to what He has laid before us. I am learning this daily. I am also learning that the reward for such surrender is complete contentment. Never before have I been so happily present-minded. Never before has accomplishing the small tasks been so important to me. I do have days of missing what was, but I am careful to remember that my joy will be sapped if I keeping on missing instead of moving forward. And, oh the joy. Simple and profound. Joy that manifests itself simultaneously as a lump in my throat and a compulsion to laugh out loud as I watch my babies grow, learn, eat and sleep. Especially sleep, for they are so, so sweet when they sleep. 

the calling

 

 

 

Good kids

It is probably best that we think of babies as little people from the second they are born. This way we would save ourselves heartbreak when their helplessness starts fading and pure innocence dwindles bit by bit in the face of toddlerhood.

Charles at almost 2 weeks

The stark contrast between the very beginning of a baby's life and one year later is before me every moment. I hardly know Charles as I know Eleanor. He is sweet as a newborn ought to be. She is sweet as only my precious and increasingly precocious daughter is. That I love them both fiercely goes without saying. But I needed to say it anyway, of course. 

Eleanor at 1 year

Eleanor is testing boundaries. I am not surprised as much as I am fascinated by this. I watch her pull on the electric cord seconds after telling her not to do this. I discipline her several times in a row for pulling the blanket off of her brother, yet she persists in disobedience. The other day I found myself a little bit embarrassed by her (very mild) acts of defiance and I thought about eighteen plus more years of circumstances under which I might be embarrassed by my children's behavior. And I realized that I will just have to get over it. People make mistakes and poor decisions and little people-in-the-making are not excluded from this.

Enter a paradigm shift: my goal is not to raise "good kids" that behave well in public and always say please and thank you. My goal is to raise children that understand that they are flawed and fallen yet greatly loved and forgiven; my goal is that they know grace through Christ and love God and serve Him all of their days. I have written it so that I remember it in the moments when I think, "Wow. I love this child so much, but I don't like what they are doing"--moments that I am certain my parents had when they were raising me and moments I am certain that God still has with me each and every day. 

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For accountability and because I want to write, here is what's ahead on the blog this week:

Charles' birth story

A Real Women with Great Ideas interview

Scenes From Our Kitchen

Worth Sharing: Postnatal Self Care

Our Take on Tradition

In this post a few days ago, I mentioned that we have a tradition of cutting down our Christmas tree--a tradition that we have kept for seven years. Each year we bundle up and drive the winding Connecticut back roads to Maple Row Farm. Last year Eleanor was just a bitty bear strapped to my chest...

 

  This year she was old enough to tromp around while we searched for the perfect little tree.

 

Now that we are a bonafide family, Shawn and I are considering the kinds of traditions that we want to establish during the Christmas season. Our tree tradition is something that we will continue with, of course, but we need to consider Advent, gift giving and other celebratory and cheery additions that make the month of December so magical.

The criteria for our Christmas traditions are as follows: that they not distract from Christ's birth and the Gospel, that they help to instill thankfulness in our children (as opposed to foster a desire for "more") and that they are meaningful and fun for everyone, every year. If a tradition becomes stale or something that must be done purely for its own sake without a higher purpose or merriment in mind, we want to feel the freedom to abandon it and create a new one altogether.

Since Eleanor is still very little, we have only come up with a few things that we would like to establish this year. Next Christmas, and each Christmas thereafter, we will adjust or add to the list as our children grow. 

• I have decided to do an Advent devotional and Shawn is joining me when he is able to, mostly on the weekends. This year we are using this book and reading through the Psalms each day leading up to Christmas. (Next year, we will do an age appropriate Advent devotional with Eleanor, too).
• Eleanor and her baby brother will each get a special  book on Christmas to add to their long term library. I have been using Honey for a Child's Heart as  a guide in helping me choose books that are timeless and developmentally  appropriate. We will also gift each child with an ornament that will be passed on to them for use on their trees when they grow up and get married...way down the road. Way, way down the road. (Oh Eleanor, don't grow up too fast, dear.)
• We have not yet decided what this will look like, but  we would like to have a special giving opportunity for our family to participate in during the Christmas season. When our children are older it might look like service at a local shelter or singing hymns and carols at the nursing home, but for this year and the baby-to-toddler-years we are still trying to figure out what to do. I  would love suggestions from those of you with little ones!

Our little tree. I took some pictures of the special ornaments on our tree and may be posting a (thrilling) tour of our collection within the week. Try to conceal your excitement...just try.

 

Encouragement for Moms: Terri Theriault

Terri and I have not seen each other for years and despite having lived on campus at the same camp for a whole year, we did not get to spend much time together. She and her husband had three children (and I believe one on the way) the year that Shawn and I dated and got engaged in New Hampshire. Life was busy for both of us. Terri's influence on me, however, has been formidable and I often find myself drawing on her example as both a wife and mom.

The Theriault family has since moved to Michigan, where her husband continues to be in full time ministry and they now have six kiddos! I would describe Terri as driven and organized and yet she is completely approachable. I posed the following questions to Terri and she graciously took time out of her busy schedule as a wife and home school mother to thoughtfully answer each one. These are the questions I would have asked Terri if we were sitting in her living room drinking tea together. 

Terri, Jason and their utterly adorable brood. 

 

I have highlighted certain portions of the interview because some of Terri's comments struck me in particular at this point in my life. 

Opinions today on the size of one's family run the gamut. How do you and your husband approach this issue?  

We started out with the mindset of most Americans I would say – let’s have our 2 kids (a boy and girl of course!) and we’ll have our perfect little family. As believers, the Lord was bringing us on a journey of trust.  After having our son and then our daughter two years later, we decided our family was complete.  After about a year, I started this dialog with the Lord where I felt He was asking if I trusted Him.  “Yes, Lord, I trust you!” was my immediate (and proud) reply.   “Then trust Me with EVERYTHING.  Let Me plan your family.”  “No, Lord, that’s just too big.  You can have everything BUT THAT!”  And so our conversation went for about two years.  When our daughter was 3, I found out I was expecting again. I’m ashamed to say that I was disgruntled about this unplanned  addition to our family  until I felt her move for the first time. It was only then that I realized that I’d been given another gift – that this was a BABY and that this miracle was no less an expression of the love that my husband and I shared than our first two gifts had been.  When our second daughter was 3 months old, we attended a conference at our church and I remember the pastor asking if there was anything we were saying “NO” to God about. Continuing to struggle with this call to trust God with everything,  I was so broken to realize that not only was I not trusting Him, but I was also putting limits on the ways He might choose to bless us.  I saw my three children as gifts from Him, but if I’d had my way, I would have missed out on our second daughter. I couldn’t fathom that!  Who was I to decide who should be a part of our family?  How many blessings He should bestow on us?  I surrendered to Him – and two weeks later, my husband also came to the same point of surrender.  We have decided that to live as children of God, we are to trust our Heavenly Father to know what is best for us.  Who but the Creator of every precious life, knows the perfect plans He has for our family? Scripture is clear that children are a blessing of the Lord and no where in Scripture does it tell us to limit those blessings.  So, we have decided to trust Him with EVERYTHING. The road hasn’t been easy, but it’s been beautiful. 

 I think a lot of people feel that if you have too many children, some will be neglected or feel less loved. Or you will never be able to have the kind of relationship you are supposed to with each child.  We whole heartedly disagree!  There is such love present in our home. And our children are always hoping for another announcement of a baby on the way – if they had their way, I think we’d have a dozen!  For this mama, one at a time is nice. 

 On any given day what are your priorities as a wife, mom and home school teacher?

1. My first priority of the each day is to start as a Daughter of my Lord.  It took me several years to be disciplined to start my day reading the Word and in prayer.  It’s so much more than a discipline now though – it’s my favorite part of the day.

2. I also do all I can to be the help meet my husband needs me to be – he is my priority, second only to the Lord.  So that means being available to listen and hear what’s on his heart, supporting his leadership of our family, running and maintaining our home.  It’s my goal at the end of each day when he gets home to have dinner ready and make our home a haven for him to return to.  The kids are calm (not like I have them sedated, but they aren’t running around crazy!) and the house is orderly.  I try to make sure that I’m not so frazzled by the end of the day that I want to dump everything on him the moment he walks in the door and run back out of it myself!  Thankfully those days are rare – but they do happen! 

3. Since I spend all day every day with my six children, my first role with them is as their mother – listening, disciplining, feeding, encouraging, guiding, soothing, challenging, molding their hearts.  I get the awesome (and sometimes overwhelming) joy of also being their teacher.  Being both mom and teacher, I get a greater joy when they reach a milestone or grasp a new concept.  But my expectations are sometimes excruciating – for them and myself!  But we learn and grow together and the Lord refines us through each step.  

Overall, my goal each day is to seek His plan for my day and glorify Him in it. I’ve learned to ask Him at the start of each day, “Lord, ordain my day.  I have my plans, but I want to do what you have ordained for me today.”  So amidst the laundry, the meals, the school lessons, the potty training, nursing the baby, running errands, grocery shopping, paying the bills, getting kids to activities, being a wife… if I walk in His spirit and keep my priorities Biblical by seeking to honor the Lord first, my husband second, my kids third and all else after that, I feel I have had a successful day – and strive to do it all in that order again tomorrow! 

What are some practical ways in which you and your husband, Jason, maintain and further your relationship? 

I think the most practical way that we have kept our relationship strong is to focus on our relationship as husband and wife over that of being parents. Not that we in any way neglect our kids for the sake of our marriage, but we are mindful that we and our kids remember that we are one flesh.  In a tangible sense, this means that when we sit in church or at the dinner table – we are always next to each other.  Often I see parents who sit far from one another because they have several children separating them.  Our kids are always welcome on our laps, and at our open side, but one side is always reserved for Jason and vice versa.  I came from a broken home and never had this modeled for me. As I learned what the Bible says about our relationship with one another superseding that of our relationship with our children, I feared they would feel neglected, rejected or hurt. The opposite is true. Our kids have such comfort and peace knowing that we are so committed to each other. It gives them a security that compares with nothing else.  And somehow – because it’s ordained by God – it actually makes our relationships with our children stronger too. One of God’s great mysteries! 

For most of our marriage we’ve been faithful to pray together each night at the end of the day. And we pray about the trials that we face as a family, etc.  Seeking the Lord together in this way has definitely strengthened our relationship. Recently we’ve started reading Scripture at night together too before we pray.  It’s been a sweet time for us.  Just as with our children – if we are faithful to keep our individual relationships with the Lord our first priority, it makes our marriage sweeter and more secure.  I love how God works! 

Communication is also vital to our growth as one flesh.  Whether it be about intimacy, child rearing, paying the bills,… we talk about it all.  We try to communicate our hearts without anger or blame, and with a  teachable spirit as we seek to learn from each other and the Lord. One of the best practices we’ve ever done in our marriage is to go to one another periodically and ask, “How can I be a better wife (or husband) to you?” and be ready to hear and receive what the other one says.  

How do you define "quality of life" for you and your family?  

I guess if I were to define quality of life for us, it would be about seeking the joy of growing alongside one another and being sanctified by how the Lord uses all of us to refine each other.  It’s about seeking to see the world through His lens and desiring to be an instrument for His glory to make a difference in the lives of others.  To live in such a way that others see Jesus reflected in us so that they want to know Him more.  

Quality of life is often determined by reaching a certain financial goal, or social status. Finding joy in the connections you have, business success, owning or being all the right things.  We serve in full time ministry and live on raised support.  We hardly ever eat out, shop mostly at consignment stores, drive cars with more than 100,000 miles on them, and will likely never take a typical family vacation but we are rich beyond measure and lack for nothing. And though we are a normal family with trials and bumps and squabbles at times, we have a peaceful, joyful, blessed life!  

What are your favorite all-family activities?  

We love to read together, to cuddle up in our livingroom and watch movies, to go to the ocean (or now to Lake Michigan), play board games, and go on picnics. 

How often do you get alone time as a busy mom of 6? What is your take on "alone time"?  

I think alone time is vital to every person – especially moms!  As moms we are constantly pouring out into the lives of others and if we are drained ourselves, we cannot minister effectively to the ones God has placed in our care.  Having said that, I’m bad at finding it! My time alone with the Lord each morning really is the one thing that keeps me sane!  But I also believe that we need to do other things to refuel ourselves too.  Someone asked me recently what refreshed me. I don’t know that I’d ever been asked that before and had to ponder it a bit.  After some thinking, I realized that taking a few minutes alone to even just walk around our yard to enjoy the quiet or a drive by myself is so helpful for me to catch my breath and refocus. Sometimes 10 minutes is all I need!  The other thing that refreshes me is to encourage other women – particularly moms.  I’m so excited when I get the opportunity to pray with another mom or just listen to her heart and offer encouragement. Or just hang out with someone at the same stage of life and laugh and share.  I think every mom needs to figure out what refreshes them – because it looks different for each of us – and seek to make it a priority on a regular basis.  

What does your devotional time look like as a homeschooling mom? 

My devotional time looks different depending on where I feel the Lord is calling me to be in His Word.  The constants are that I am always in His Word and it's daily – though devotional books are nice and I do use them, they are in addition to actual Bible reading.  I’ve read through the Bible several times.  At one point I felt the need to saturate myself in His Word and read through the Bible in nine months.  Other times, I’ve read the same book (usually a smaller book like James or one of Paul’s other letters) every day for 3 or more months.  I ask the Lord to show me something fresh from His Word as I read that book for the 60th or 70th time.  And He does!  I love how alive it is! 

Right now, I’m walking through Psalms and journaling about 5 characteristics of God each day and meditating on them. I enjoy praying them back to Him -  “Thank you, Lord, that you are my refuge! Thank you, Lord, that your love is steadfast!...” I’ve also been revisiting the Gospels and it’s been cool to be walking through the Psalms that way at the same time I’m reading the life of Christ.  I’m in John right now. 

The key to my devotional time is that I am now an early riser.  That is not natural for me!  Because our little ones are up at 7 am, my aim is to be up by 5 am so that I can have that quiet time with Him before our house is awake.   It’s more like 5:30 lately!  I’m still nursing our youngest, so with that first feeding falling during time, I usually get about an hour of focused time to read and to pray.  I have an extensive prayer list, so my time is pretty evenly divided between praying and reading.  My greatest regret is that I wasn’t disciplined to do this earlier in my life. I’ve been consistent for the last seven years, but I wasted so many years not seeking Him diligently!

Big Changes and Little Ones

I am not certain what I expected, but I did not expect this. Life is both so rich and so trying. It is probably due to my (we'll say passionate) personality that I am constantly oscillating between embracing the present regardless of my circumstances and becoming nearly suffocated by the challenges that are inherent to life. Sounds dramatic, I know.

Well, I am. 

There is some comfort in writing down, as opposed to sharing in conversation, the trials of life. Sometimes I feel selfish unloading my burdens on friends and honestly, sometimes I am just too weak to say state things aloud. The act of writing provides occasion for candor, anonymity and catharsis all at once. You, Reader, only have to read on if you want to, and the fact that you can go whenever you wish is of great comfort to me. 

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Back to changes. Big ones and little ones...

We're selling one of our cars. In order for me to stay at home full time for an indefinite period of time, we need to cut back our expenses significantly. On a scale from 1-10 (1 being worst, 10-best), Shawn's job is a "6" in terms of it being conducive to our having one car. There will be early morning drop-offs at the office with two babies in tow. There will be weeks without the car if Shawn happens to be at a faraway client. But it must be done. 

Since the age of 13, I have never wanted for employment. I seriously cannot remember a time when I did not have the opportunity to work. With another little one on the way and our choice for me to stay at home, I will not be working (or getting paid maternity leave like I did when I had Eleanor) for at least a few months and perhaps for a while. When I look ahead to our projected income for 2014, I become a little short of breath. Actually, I become completely winded. Maybe panicked is the most accurate word? 

An incremental change has been taking place over the past several months as we prepare for our new reality. A little change from a daily perspective, but one that has had significant impact on me. I have been much more deliberate in my devotional time with the Lord. I recognized months ago that in order to truly honor Him in this time, that I needed to be more intentional about reading the Word. Initially, it was a complete discipline, especially since my work schedule and Eleanor's arrival on the scene have consumed me for the past two years, but now it is necessity, breath, life. I cannot live without it. 

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Interestingly enough, in rereading what I just wrote, I am seeing that the blessing of the above mentioned "little" change far outweighs the burden of the two big changes. I am certain that this is by His gracious design and I am, in this moment, so thankful to have an opportunity to trust the immovable, unshakable God in a time when I am fully aware that I am anything but.

More...

Anna of The Yellow Table has been chronicling her cookbook writing journey and I have been really encouraged by her honesty about the process. You can read more about Anna's project in Sunday's post.  

A challenging post about the inevitable pain and trials in life and what to do when they do come. 

I am really looking forward to sharing an interview I did with a lovely mom friend, Terri. Post to come tomorrow!

Pictures of our seven-year-old tradition of cutting down our Christmas tree at Maple Row Farm in Easton, CT

35+ weeks and holding little E.

My favorite picture.